Muslim family

HOW TO BUILD SUCCESSFUL MUSLIM FAMILIES

Among the issues that have come to occupy a very large space in contemporary thinking is the matter of marriage, family, and relationships between men and women. Modern Western conceptions, with the social and feminist concepts and values they carry, have contributed to making romantic relationships a central element in defining a person’s identity and in determining his happiness and success in life.

But a person is required to pay attention to an essential matter: we should not allow concepts coming from outside the Islamic framework to rearrange our religious priorities, to the point that relationships between the sexes become as though they were the ultimate purpose of life, or even become an intellectual “idol” that takes over the center of attention that should be occupied by Tawhid.

The center of Islam is the oneness of Allah, Glorified and Exalted is He. The fundamental matter that all the prophets came with was to worship Allah alone and not associate anything with Him. If this foundation is sound in a person’s life, the rest of his life will consequently become sound, including family, marriage, and social relationships.

Therefore, the first question that a person should ask himself when thinking about a family is not only: “What are the ideal qualities I am looking for in a husband or wife?” but first: “Are we all striving to obey Allah and to refer our affairs to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him?”

If the common ground between the spouses is faith in Allah, adherence to His rulings, following the example of His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, and commitment to good character and treating one another with kindness, then many of the problems that appear complicated today become much simpler.

If we look at the Muslim society during the time of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, we find that family and social bonds were part of a highly cohesive social fabric. Marriage was not based on searching for an “ideal person” according to a long list of personal and social criteria.

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, married Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, the daughter of Abu Bakr Al-Siddiq, may Allah be pleased with him. He also married Hafsa, may Allah be pleased with her, the daughter of Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him.

Uthman ibn Affan, may Allah be pleased with him, married prophet's daughter Ruqayyah, may Allah be pleased with her, and after her death, he married his daughter Umm Kulthum, may Allah be pleased with her. For this reason, Uthman, may Allah be pleased with him, became known as Dhul-Nurayn, “the possessor of the two lights.” He also married his daughter Fatimah al-Zahra, may Allah be pleased with her, to Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him.

These relationships reveal a very high degree of interconnectedness between families and households within the first Muslim society. Umm Habibah, may Allah be pleased with her, the wife of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was also the sister of Muawiyah ibn Abi Sufyan, may Allah be pleased with him.

This family interconnectedness was not based on worldly interests; rather, it was part of a society whose relationships were formed on the basis of religion, faith, and loyalty to Allah and His Messenger.

This also demonstrates the importance of the role of the wali in marriage. The wali is not merely a formal party in the marriage contract. Rather, he should have an important role in facilitating acquaintance, coordination, and giving advice, benefiting from his knowledge of his family and of the man who proposes to the woman, in a way that achieves benefit and preserves the woman’s chastity and dignity.

But in our time, we see that matters have become much more complicated. Divorce rates have increased, and young men and women have become deeply confused when choosing a life partner. What qualities are required? What is the appropriate age? What financial level? What appearance? What personality? What social status? And so on.

These questions can sometimes turn into an endless list of conditions, until a person becomes unable to make a decision.

But a large part of the problem lies in the foundation from which we start.

If society imports its conceptions of marriage and human relationships from a Western cultural environment and then tries to dress those conceptions in an Islamic garment, it is natural for contradictions and confusion to appear.

But if the Qur’an and the Sunnah are the common ground from which the man, the woman, and the family proceed, then the criterion for choosing becomes clearer, and resolving disputes also becomes clearer.

The Muslim family does not need to be free from disagreements; disagreement between human beings is natural. Rather, it needs a common reference to which the spouses return when they disagree. This reference is the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him.

When disputes become complicated, the imam whom the family trusts and whose intervention and advice it seeks can also be appointed as an arbitrator, rather than every disagreement turning into a conflict between two independent wills that have no higher standard to which they can refer.

Here we reach a fundamental idea: what is required is not to search for an “ideal” human being with extraordinary qualities, but rather to search for a righteous person who has the willingness to learn, change, improve, and adhere to the rulings of Allah.

The wife is not required to come with all the qualities that the husband imagines, just as the husband is not required to be a perfect person without shortcomings. Human beings are naturally imperfect, but they can acquire virtues and be raised upon them.

What matters is having the willingness.

The willingness to adhere to religion, the willingness to learn, the willingness to adapt, the willingness to take responsibility, the willingness to treat one another with kindness, and the willingness to accept advice and guidance.

The righteous wife is the one who is willing to live with her husband within the framework of the principles of religion and to cooperate with him in goodness. Likewise, the righteous husband is the one who is willing to assume his responsibility, submit to the rulings of the Qur’an and the Sunnah, embody the character commanded by the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and treat his wife with kindness.

In this sense, you should not be a prisoner of the qualities imposed upon you by society. Rather, you should have the ability to build good qualities within the family through education, faith, and daily practice.

A successful family is not a family in which two perfect people came together. Rather, it is a family in which two people who want to become better came together, and who possess a common reference that helps them achieve that.

Among the experiences that can be considered in this context are the family experiences that arose within the Muslim community, where some families became acquainted and formed marital relationships through the channels of the community and on the basis of adherence to the Qur’an and the Sunnah. These experiences have, praise be to Allah, been largely successful, and so far, no cases of divorce have been recorded among these marriages, according to what we know from this experience.

This experience, if its results are confirmed and continue, deserves reflection, not as evidence that any human group can guarantee the success of every marriage, but rather as an example of the effect of having a common religious foundation and a clear reference in building family relationships.

In the end, the issue is not to make marriage the center of our lives, but rather to make our relationship with Allah the center, and then family comes as one of the areas in which we apply this faith.

If Tawhid is sound, and a person’s relationship with his Lord is sound, and he adheres to the rulings of his religion, learns the character of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and commits himself to what is good in dealing with others, then the effect of this will be reflected in his family and his society.

Therefore, perhaps the question that we should ask again today is not: “How do we find the ideal husband or wife?” but rather:

“How do we build a righteous person who can be a righteous husband or wife?”

Likewise: Do we search for someone who possesses all the qualities demanded by society that doesn't provide a sufficient number of people who possess them, or do we search for a believer who is willing to learn, discipline himself, and build a family with us upon the foundation of the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him?

When we return marriage to its natural place within the Islamic framework, and return Tawhid to the center of our lives, many of the questions that seem intractable today will become clearer and simpler.

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